Day ???? of Life

Thursday, January 12th, 2017

Hey, strangers!

Haha, kind of a joke but also kind of not because I don’t think I know everyone who reads these. Which is dope.

Anyhow, sorry for not updating y’all in one million years. (Actually since last year. Happy new year!) A lot has happened since we last spoke. My hair has grown a bit (I’ll enclose a picture if I remember how.) I have lost a bit of the steroid weight (thank goodness). I feel different. Every day that I face is different.

I guess I should start with the health portion of my situation. I am cancer free, and have been since I last informed you of such. I get two or three vaccinations per month, because I have to get aaaaaall the vaccines I have ever in my lifetime received again. My immune system is the canvas and the vaccine injections is the artist. 😉 I’m not sure if that was proper grammar. Yolo.

I’m still tired all the time, but now I am not sure if I’m tired because of the constant work at school or because I’m still recovering from chemo and radiation. Wow, we haven’t spoken in such a long time. I don’t even know what you guys know or don’t know.

I tried rereading some of my old posts. It feels like a century ago that I was that person, but it also feels like I still am that person. Does that make sense?

I’m in school full time again. That is a question a lot of people ask me. I had to take a really light class load, as the transition into being a full time student was way more difficult than I anticipated, but I’m a sophomore the same way I would have been if I hadn’t gotten cancer and had to leave early.

Coming back to school has been really, really difficult. I found a video that I made at the beginning of the semester that at the time I was going to post onto here but ended up not, (mostly because when I do any kind of public speaking my voice raises ten million octaves and I sound like a seven year old and with my new hair I genuinely look like one so ya know skipped on that) (haha good thing I’m going into acting, a profession that involves no public speaking!) I’m going to transcribe it to give you a bit of my October point of view. I haven’t watched this since I made it, so here’s to hoping I don’t sound terribly irritating. When I use parentheses it is my commentary on my video so we can enjoy it or hate it together:

ME: Heeey. Um, hey guys. (really glad I had to say um before saying basically the same exact thing. dope.) So, I haven’t posted a blog in a very long time. Mostly because I just didn’t want to sit down and write, and I wasn’t going to force myself to do something that felt bad.

But, I currently have a fever. Not a high fever, just a chill, chill fever. And I’m home for the night while everyone else is out so I thought I could take this opportunity to fill y’all in. Um, so yeah. I’ll begin. (clearly, you can see I am more of a writer than a speaker, as the constant “ums” and “buts” are unbearably annoying.)

I’m doing well. Uh, I’m doing really well. I’m really happy to be back at school. To be with my friends, to be with David. Um, I really am. I was cast in a play, which is super exciting. Uh, I have so much work. *awkward laugh*  I have so much work. (Twice for emphasis, ammiright?) Every time I stress out or freak out, I think to myself, at least I’m here. I’m here. (Cool, saying it twice again.) Because, I wasn’t last semester. Well, most of it. And that sucked. But, I’m here. So, it’s a good thing.

Um, and while I am super happy, and more moments than not I am happy, there are moments where I’m not. In the beginning of the school year, which began during like the very end of August, um, it was hard. Certain days I would be getting ready to go out with my friends to a party or something and I would, uh, put on a cute outfit and even put on some makeup which isn’t my favorite thing to do, but I would try anything to make myself feel beautiful again. It didn’t work. Yeah. And that’s hard. It’s really hard. And part of me, um, a part of me thought that hopping back into school would be like old me all over again. And not the case. But, I’m learning that there are definitely good things that come out of this experience. Weird things like walking the streets of New York City pre cancer, I would care a lot about what people thought. When people looked at me. Even if they just looked in my general direction, part of me would be like “oh boy, they’re looking at me.” And you would think now that I look like an infant boy, that I would think the same thing, but, um, now I kind of just don’t give a shit. In my mind, I’m kind of like “they don’t know me. I survived cancer. Fuck them.” (Wow. I was feelin’ aggressive. Yikes.) Which is weird, because that’s not how I expected to be feeling.

Um, something really strange for me, is when I’m in New York City-which is everyday, I don’t know why I said when I’m in New York City, I live here-when I’m in New York City which is all the time, when I see women with very short hair cuts, like so, *professional model pose to show my hair, work it girl* When I see people with haircuts like that, part of me, which- and I would never do this-but part of me wants to be like, “is that voluntary or is it a result of chemo?” And I can’t say that, and I’m sure more often than not it is a personal choice, especially in New York City where people are expressing themselves in a million zillion point seven ways. And it’s…there’s this one girl, who I see ALL the time, and not even in my dorm, just around the East Village and she has hair just like mine, and she’s stunning, super tall, fit, works it, I would think she’s a model. Maybe she is. I don’t know her. But, um, I want to be like, “I like your hair.” And I totally could, I don’t know why I don’t, I guess if someone said that to me, it would make me, it wouldn’t feel true to me, probably because if it was up to me, I would have hair down to my toes. Not actually. I would trip. All the time. But, it was a hyperbole.

Um, so yeah. My birthday was September 23rd. And that was a really hard day for me. It was very depressing. You would think that I might be celebrating life as I am fortunate enough to have it, but, it was just really hard. And I used to be the kind of girl that a month, two months, before my birthday I would be counting down, telling anyone who would listen about what I’m doing for my birthday, about how many days are left until my birthday, about what I hope I am getting for my birthday, um…I was obsessed. For lack of a better term. This year, I was dreading it. And I wanted it to be over as soon as it began. Um, soon after midnight struck, I genuinely crawled into my bed and cried. It was really hard. (I’m proud of myself for not making any “that’s what she said jokes this entire video. Go me.) And my friends, and my family, and David, everyone contributed to making it as great as it could be, but nothing really-it wasn’t anyones doing or fault, it was really just a depressing day. I didn’t like how I looked. I didn’t want to take pictures.

I’m getting better at that, though. Taking pictures. With each day, I’m feeling a bit better about how I look. I mean sometimes I go twenty steps back and I hate it all over again. And other days, I look at myself and I’m like, “so you don’t look like how you used to.” *shrug* I wish that happened more often, *awkward laugh* But, I’ll take it for the amount of times I’ve had it so far.

Uh, I make a lot of cancer jokes. And those who know me, um, they laugh and it’s fun. But, sometimes people that know me but like don’t KNOW me know me, are so uncomfortable. And part of me wants to be like, “I’m sorry,” but at the same time, it’s so funny. It’s so funny to me. That’s kind of selfish I guess, because no one else finds it nearly as funny as I do, but it’s my way of coping. And, uh, hopefully that’ll change, um, but right now that’s where I’m at.

Yeah, so things are looking up. They are. I don’t know the last time I blogged. I think it was even before I finished radiation. So, to clear up on the health part of things, which is probably where I should have began…(@present me, great job. You did that in this post. Killing it.) Um, so I finished radiation. Things were looking good, are looking good, they-things are good. (Omg I’m so awkward. Cringe.) And I went home, back in Roslyn, and it was nice. It was nice being home. And I really didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t want to run into people, I didn’t want to get the “pity look” and for people to ask me questions I didn’t want to answer. But I found that I really like talking about my experience. (Shocker, Casey. You blog about it.) Not always, it’s definitely-it depends on my mood. And that’s not really fair to people because they don’t know, and sometimes I don’t even know, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles, I guess. (#StopCaseyFromMakingVideoBlogs2017)

Uh, yeah. So, I was home in Roslyn. And I saw some friends which was really lovely. I got ready for school, and once I was at school, sorry Mom and Dadm but I was like “BYEEEEE. Fun five months with y’all but I’m ready!!!” And it’s good…I remember to take my medicine which I think my family was super worried about. I talk to Josh fairly often. Josh, my brother… which is really nice. Josh and I had a long talk in Roslyn together before we left for school, and I have nothing but optimism for him and my relationship.

My living condition here is so great. I’m so close to everything. My roommate Kristina is the booomb. And my suite mate, randomly, is one of my childhood friends who I used to do dance with, and it’s so random that we’re put in the same suite because we didn’t request each other but it’s wild and awesome, she’s so cool. I love having her here. I also have another suite mate, Amira, who we are all starting to get to know more. She’s a super senior, which means she had four years, and now she is on her last semester, and then she leaves. So gotta take this last semester to get to know her.

One of the things I’m really worried about right now is Halloween. Because, Halloween is notorious for women dressing up a bit *awkwardness* scandalously. Um, not that that means I have to. I wouldn’t do it because everyone is doing it, um, but you know what I mean. It’s whatever. But, I just don’t know. I don’t feel confident in how I look, um, and I know despite how much I love my friends and how beautiful I think they are, a part of me will be jealous that I can’t walk into a place wearing whatever I want feeling confident. Which is frustrating for me, because I don’t want to have negative feelings towards my friends because of jealousy. That sucks. That sucks. Um, so I’m really nervous for Halloween. And my birthday was a huge anxiety ball (what?) for me, so I’m happy that’s done. And once Halloween is done, that will be cool.

For my birthday, my parents got me tickets to Georgia, so I can spend Christmas with David’s family. Which is really exciting. I’m so excited. It’s gonna be really fun. I can’t wait to meet all his friends, and to hang out with his family, who I have met, if y’all remember in a previous post around his birthday. They’re awesome. They’re super cool. Yeah.

I’m trying to think about what I could fill y’all in on. Mostly, I do work. Which is not a bad thing. I love school. I love school so much. Uh, currently rereading for the millionth time Uncle Vanya by Anton Chekhov for those literature fans out there. *idiotic finger gun point* I’m doing a scene from Uncle Vanya where I play Sonya. And it’s really fun. Chekhov is a REALLY great playwright, which just doesn’t do it justice at ALL. He’s dope. Really dope. I recommend it.

I’m trying to get in some recreational reading, but the truth is I don’t have time, especially with the play I’m in, which I briefly mentioned. When I get the dates and the times, anyone that wants to see it should, please. An audience would be dope. (It passed. Cmon Casey. Terrible marketing skills.)

I’m also about to start reading a book about improv. I feel like I’m doing a commercial right now. *shows book* Improvisation, the TJ and Dave book. I’ll let y’all know how it is when I begin it. I have five chapters to read for homework. (It’s a cool book, for what it is worth.)

I’m also in an improv class, which is really interesting. I enjoy it.

I’m in a directing class, which is really cool. (It was, but I ended up dropping it because my energy level couldn’t take it. This makes me sad.)

I really love the classes I’m taking. I ended up dropping one of my classes because of the work load, um and I think that was a good decision for me. There are other semesters and summers…I’m trying not to beat myself up about it. Only human. But, yeah.

That is where I’m at.

I’m trying to think if there’s anything else…I don’t know.

Well, I hope everyone has a great evening.

END VIDEO

Wow. What a time to be alive. Helpful tip to future me, NEVER POST A VIDEO OF YOURSELF LIKE THAT. Yiiiiikes. So to catch y’all up on January Casey, here goes.

It’s winter break right now, I begin school again January 23rd. Which is also my dad’s birthday. I spent the first week of Christmas break in Georgia with David’s family, as mentioned in my video-to-be. It was SO. SO. SO. fun. One of my absolute favorite vacations to date. I met all of his friends!!! I met his best friend Micah who I had been waiting 29837492374 years to meet. She made the dopest 80’s style video montage of us trying clothes on in thrift stores. David was basically our third wheel. Just kidding. 🙂 (Or am I???) I also met his friend Max, who I absolutely adored. I didn’t want that evening to end. I wish I could go into every and all the details about all the people I met and all the things we did, but a) that would take a LOT of this blog up b) it may take away some of the magic of it all.

It was rad to be able to drive with David in his car, which we can’t do in NYC and see where he grew up. Passing his high school, where he would hang with friends, his old day care…I saw a part of David I had never seen before. It was wonderful.

Christmas with his family was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. From the moment I walked into their home, I felt so welcome. David’s brother, Tim, CRACKS ME UP. He is the happiest person on planet earth, I think. Everything excites him. Which, in turn, excites me. Him, me and David made a gingerbread house together. It was soooooo fun. David’s step mom, Suzanne, is so dope. She is so generous and thoughtful, and is a fellow book lover. Chris, David’s dad, is very much like David in their constant way of making people laugh. I was calling him Christopher because I thought that was what he liked to be called, but now I am on the level of calling him “Chris.” So, I’m feelin’ cool. Debbie, David’s grandma, was an absolute joy. I had been wanting to meet her for so long (she was the only one who I hadn’t met previously) and I felt an instant bond with her. Opening presents with them was such an event, and so amazing. I’m getting chills just thinking about it. I really felt all their love for each other just by being able to watch them celebrate. It was such an honor to be there.

One of my favorite parts of the trip, (besides getting to see and hear embarrassing/cute lil stories about David’s childhood) was David’s surprise evening. He planned an entire night for the two of us and didn’t tell me anything about it. One of my favorite things in the world is not having to plan anything and just follow and go with the flow. He got us tickets to the Atlanta Botanical Garden, which was, at the time, holiday lights themed. I cannot describe how wonderful and stunning the botanical garden was. It was such a blast-my best friend and I running around, exploring the botanical garden with all the holiday music and scenery. We made smores!!!! (MY FAVORITE.) We even kissed under the mistletoe! (Sorry mom and dad.)

After Georgia, I have been spending my break in Long Island. David joined me in attending a New Years Eve party in Roslyn with the fucks and some other friends, some of which I hadn’t seen since pre-cancer. I was really nervous but it was definitely helpful to have David by my side. I hated looking the way I looked and seeing all my high school friends. I felt insecure and nervous. But, everyone was so kind and normal. I felt at ease within the first hour. It ended up being an incredibly enjoyable night. 2017 is most definitely my year.

David and I have been dating for, as of yesterday, ten months! Woohoo! Which also makes today 10 months since D-Day. (Diagnosis day.) March 12th.

This year, on March 12th, I will NOT be in the emergency room with an IV inside of my vein. Nor will I be learning the definition of vitals.  I will be Cycling for Survival. WHAT’S THAT YOU MAY BE WONDERING? Well, silence your curiosity, my dear readers. I’m going to tell you.

According to handy dandy Wikipedia, Cycle for Survival is a national (USA) movement to beat rare cancers. 100% of donations fund rare cancer research at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. The National Institute of Health defines a “rare cancer” as one with fewer than 200,000 affected individuals within the United States.Rare cancers include brain, ovarian, pediatric and pancreatic cancers, lymphoma (THAT’S ME!) and leukemia, and many other types of cancers. Approximately 50% of people with cancer are battling a cancer that is considered “rare.”

I will be raising a minimum of $4000 dollars. I want to give back. To a cause where 100% of the money goes to the hospital that treated me, for cancers like the one I had. I want so badly for cancer to be gone forever. I will do what I can, and I beg of y’all to do what you can. Cancer takes so much. It takes and takes and takes. We can’t let it win. I’ll update y’all on some links if you’re interested in donating to the cause.

My family life feels normal again. Sometimes I like to pretend my hair is a result of a spontaneous haircut and that this never happened. That fantasy lasts only a little while.

I have days where I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror. When David calls me beautiful, I say thank you while my mind is desperately trying to see myself through his eyes. My family friend, Michelle, who I have mentioned, told me I looked gorgeous when she saw me with my new grown hair. I felt myself laugh. The comment just seemed so ridiculous to me, that someone could see me in that way. I don’t know, guys. I don’t know when or if this feeling will go away.

It is hard for me to hang out with my friends. I feel like I’m supposed to be normal Casey. But I don’t feel that way. I feel embarrassed or guilty whenever I bring up cancer to my friends, even my best friends. I feel like I should be over it. And I’m not. I imagine them talking to each other when I’m not around, saying “like I get that it was hard, but she needs to stop talking about it so much.” I have no reason to believe that is what is going on. It is just how I feel.

Classes were really hard this past semester. I loved them and I didn’t nor do I plan on giving up, but it was physically and mentally taxing. The classes that required more of my physicality, stamina and energy were way more difficult than I would have ever imagined they would be. I’m making sure to keep in shape this break to ensure I can give more of myself to it this coming semester. I want to give everything my all. There were days where I had to miss class because I simply couldn’t get out of bed, because my body or my mind couldn’t cooperate. Which could sound like an excuse to be lazy, but I don’t believe that is what I was doing. I really don’t. I love what I do, even when it is difficult. But I can push myself harder. And I will.

My play was really fun. It was student written and student directed, and my cast was unreal. Both talent and personality wise. I met so many new people, some of which I believe I’ll be friends with for a long time. They’re all so intelligent and determined. It is crazy. The girl that was played the lead character in the play became one of my good friends. Her name is Claudia. She is someone I strive to be more like. She is opinionated, passionate, hilarious, and unbelievably kind. But not the annoying kind of kind where you’re like “ugh this person is annoyingly too nice.” I hope y’all know what I mean. I’m not a monster. Anyway, one night after rehearsal her and I had the most wonderful talk on a stoop by union square, even though it was cold and late and we had school the next day. The people I call my classmates are going to be successful in whatever they do. In the relationships they’re in. In life. I swear, it’s nuts.

I went to soul cycle the other day, and this girl Ilona came up to me and told me she had read my blog, and that it inspired her. She was a girl I had never met before. I awkwardly asked her if I could hug her, and during my soul ride that evening, I cried. Happy tears.

SPEAKING OF HAPPY TEARS. During class one day, I had the happiest cry of my life. Three times a week, I have class called Studio. I may have explained this earlier in my posts, but I can be forgetful. So, deal with another explanation or scroll on, my friends. Scroll on. According to Tisch FAQ, (why explain things in your own words when you have the internet, ya feel me, dawgs?) here is how I can explain the “studio system” at NYU Tisch Drama: Upon acceptance into the Department, students are placed into one of eight different primary studios where they begin intensive conservatory training towards a strong foundation in technique. Students remain in their primary studios for two full years (four consecutive semesters). Once primary training is completed, students have many options for advanced training.

So, my primary studio is called Atlantic Acting School. And beyond being affiliated with NYU, Atlantic Acting School is its own independent acting conservatory that anyone can attend upon an audition, an acceptance and being admitted. So when I am at class, I have made friends in both the NYU portion of Atlantic but also the independent conservatory students. I have one really close friend, Andrea, from conservatory. She’s the bomb.

BUT BACK TO THE HAPPY TEARS. So one day, I was walking back from the bathroom to my next class, and this girl from conservatory approaches me. She said to me, not verbatim because it is such a wonderful blur, “I just wanted to say I think you’re really bad ass, and it’s great to see you so happy and healthy.” And I straight up started thanking her profusely and crying and I hugged her and she is someone I have spoken to maybe twice before and she just said that to me and it was amazing. And those were the happiest tears of my life. My friends saw me crying and were so concerned and I was laughing and crying and sniffling my happiness into my soul. What a wonderful day.

Well, I just threw a lot at you. I will be going away to Puerto Rico for eight days from the 14th to the 22nd. I go off the grid when I am on a vacation. But, I will hopefully update y’all not too late after my return. Thank you if you have read this far. Thank you if you read any of this. Thank you for making me feel less lonely during what will hopefully be the loneliest months of my life.