Day 7 of the Third Cycle

May 15, 2016

I have not blogged in quite some time. Hello, dear friends. I’m not sure where to start.

I am currently watching John Mulaney’s stand up for the hundredth time. My dad is sitting next to me eating challah. I just had a full day of visitors and I am wiped out. My mom is having a snack in the kitchen. David is passed out in the living room.

It’s been really hard. I’m not going to lie. I just hate having cancer so very much. I miss having hair. I miss feeling confident.

But, last week I went to Soul Cycle, an intense indoor cycling workout. And I felt really frustrated because I didn’t have the same stamina that I did pre-cancer. I was so proud of myself for doing it, but still. Working out felt so good. It gave me a feeling of normalcy. Soul Cycle is done in the dark, so I could take off my hat and cycle with the best of them.

Yesterday, I went again. And the atmosphere was just what I needed. It was a 90s ride, meaning all the music would be from the 90s. I went with my mom, my cousin, and David. (David wasn’t too keen on the idea but it was hilarious/amazing to have him there.) The first song that came on was “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child. AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME THAT IS A COINCIDENCE. I cycled with the biggest smile on my face. Then, my all time favorite song, “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!” by Shania Twain came on. I did the entire thing, without having to go at my own pace. I felt unbelievably proud of myself, something I am letting myself do more often. I sat happily in the cab ride back home sweating next to my boyfriend and mom.

I haven’t been in the mood to recount and relive my days because it is so draining. I am exhausted right now. I will probably finish blogging sometime this evening or maybe later in the week. I’m so tired. I haven’t even done much. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Day 10 of the Third Cycle

May 19th, 2016

David left today. I didn’t cry but I sure wanted to. He stayed with my family for the past five days before he left, and I didn’t get sick of him once. And I get sick of people easily. Not my best trait, but it is a trait of mine nevertheless.

I’ve been watching television ever since he left. It’s nice to do nothing today. I’m probably neutropenic. We won’t know for sure until tomorrow, when I get my blood taken via finger prick, but it is presumable that I am. Josh is home. He came home Monday night. He currently has a friend over. Her name is Taylor. I like to think every girl he has over is his girlfriend. She’s beautiful and was born in Australia, so naturally if that is the case I approve. She’s also wicked smart. Josh was telling me how intelligent she is, and for him to say that, it must be true. He’s super smart also. It’s been fun talking to them. It makes me feel less lonely.

I’m watching How I Met Your Mother for the hundredth time right now. My mom is on the couch smiling as she watches. I love when my mom laughs at the TV. Not at the actual television, that would be weird, but the shows or movies that are on it. It makes me smile.

Let’s go over what I have watched today. I began my day with Jane the Virgin, which I love, because the star is Gina Rodriguez, and she studied at NYU at the Atlantic studio, just as I am. Also because it is a good show and I enjoy watching it. It is one of those shows you watch and just smile at how ridiculous it is, and you’re not sure if it’s incredibly stupid or confusingly amazing. I then watched Pitch Perfect 2. Josh and Judy joined me for parts of it. Josh loves that movie, which I was surprised to find out. He laughed at all the jokes. I also love when Josh laughs at what is on the TV. Maybe I just love when all people do that. I think that’s more accurate. It’s so candid and sincere. I love it.

Then I watched more Jane the Virgin. I am officially caught up on the series. (Cue applause.) I am now ready to begin another series and I’ve gotten 1,000,000 suggestions but I really am torn at what to start next. Now I’m back to How I Met Your Mother while I ponder what to start as a new series.

Those are the facts. Here is how I’m feeling.

I feel frustrated. Honestly, cancer is more annoying than anything. It’s just irritating. I am more than halfway done with chemo, and I know I will be cured when it is done, and I still have to go through all the pain and side effects. I’m trying to think of an analogy to truly articulate how annoyed I am. I can’t. The finish line is in sight and I feel like I’m running in place. I desperately want to be done with this. I want my hair to start growing back. I want to lose the steroid weight. I want it all to be over so, so badly.

I went to soul cycle again yesterday. Exercise makes me feel good. And soul cycle makes me feel powerful. My aunt and my mom went with me. After the class, I went to the instructor and told him how I was going through cancer but his class made me feel strong. He deserved to know the impact he had, in my opinion.

Josh and his friend have left. My mom remains on the couch watching the TV. That’s all for now.

I want to tell you all about a dream I had. So I was asleep, as one is when one dreams, (well, unless it’s a day dream but you get the point) and I was a participant in a singing competition. It was on this huge stage decorated with yellow christmas lights on the edge of it. I was in the top two of the competition against my friend Mandy, (she had recently visited me) and it was my turn to sing. I got up on stage, and I killed it. I belted the song like I’ve never belted before. After I had the crowd on their feet, I woke up in the middle of the night. I was so excited about the song I had sung, I wrote down the lyrics on my phone so I would not forget when I woke up in the morning. I fell back asleep, dreamed a different dream, then woke up again. Later that day, I remembered how good the lyrics were and I checked my phone to read them. It was the most embarrassing combination of words.

“Oh my god

What do I do about this impromptu baby

Gas is not my priority

Rollin up with no gasoline

Oh my god

Mmmm.”

Those were the lyrics. I recommend reading that out loud to truly experience the humiliating words I wrote. And I woke up thinking it was GENIUS. I was like, “oh my god, yes, I must remember these words.” And this was what I was referring to. I can’t read them without my face getting red. Why, Casey. Why.

I am so tired. It’s almost six, and I am still in my pajamas from this morning. I’m still watching How I Met Your Mother. My dad is home. My mom is still on the couch. Josh is on his computer. I don’t know what to write but I feel like writing.

Sometimes I feel like what I write is really irrelevant to the experience I am going through. I don’t know if that matters.

Humans of New York is raising money for the Sloan Kettering Pediatric Wing. I read the comments a lot. It’s weird. People comment how they’re praying for the kids there who have cancer, and I think, oh, that’s me. The stories that Humans of New York discuss are intense. It makes me hate that I complain at all. And appreciate all I have. But again, I’m learning to just let myself feel how I feel. I am getting better at it.

I miss my friends. Now that NYU is over, (classes ended May 9th) everyone has left. Luckily, the other day my high school friends visited me. Julia, Elana, and Billie (three of the five fucks) plus Bradley and Adam. It was a weird feeling. We always pick up right where we left off. It’s familiar and strange all at once.

Aghhhhh I just want this to be over!!!! I could scream if I wasn’t considerate of those near me. OSao;sijfoasdfsdjf. (Text scream)

I just had some hershey kisses. I know I shouldn’t but I did heheehheehe. Score.

I am still watching How I Met Your Mother. It is 7:15 pm.

I’m neutropenic so I can’t have food from the outside world, I can only have homemade food and packaged food. I’m pretty hungry. I’m not sure what to have. I’m watching an episode about the best burger in New York City and I’m practically salivating in my seat.

There are moments in these past two weeks I want to write about but I don’t want to relive it, or I don’t have the energy to go into my memory and write it all out. I’m not sure which, to be honest.

I’m so frustrated. I don’t know why. I just want to throw things right now. I feel so limited when I am neutropenic.

I think I am going to start Secret Life of the American Teenager after this. It’s a mindless show I can get into.

I have work to do for a course called Intro to Theater Production in order to get credit. I’ve begun some reading for it but it is super hard for me to concentrate. Luckily the professor is working with me over the summer, not rushing me to complete it right away. But it’s hard.

I’m in the mood to play monopoly. If anyone wants an intense game of monopoly, please let me know. I am here, ready to play.

Day 14 of the Third Cycle

May 22nd, 2016

I haven’t blogged in a while.

Day 4 of the Fourth Cycle

June 3rd, 2016

I repeat, I haven’t blogged in a while.  So, I am going to fill you all in to the best of my ability.

The first portion of this blog post is called:

~My Introduction to Downton Abbey~

Thursday, May 19th, my mom and I decided to go to Roslyn, my hometown for the weekend. I was so so so excited. I needed new scenery desperately, especially with David gone. (I’m gross, I know.) I had a full weekend planned in my head; I wanted to see the five fucks, my friend Eryn, my best family friends the Steins and the Sweets, and I wanted to dine at my favorite hometown restaurants. I wanted to keep busy.

My mom and I hopped on the train to Roslyn, our spontaneous little adventure. We ran into our friend Nicole, a member of the Sweets, who told us she would come over later that night with her mom, Cindy to spend some time!

My mom and I had an early dinner at one of her favorite restaurants, Byrant and Cooper.

And when I say early, I mean early. I had a mission of running into as little people as I could. I was anxious and desperately avoiding the looks of pity I could receive.

And then we got home.

And then my mom asked the question I well cherish for years to come.

“Want to start Downton Abbey?”

And we watched. We watched during Nicole and Cindy’s visit and we watched right after.

I was hooked.

If you think cancer is a life changer, you sure haven’t watched Downton Abbey. That shit changes you, man.

On another note, it was really weird being alone. Even though I wasn’t alone alone it sounded so quiet compared to the city. I slept next to my mom in her big bed in our big house. It made it less lonely. I always feel lonely.

The next day, Friday, May 20th, I began my day with Downton Abbey. Ooo! What a shock!! I know, I know. But I didn’t only sit on the couch that day.

It was a beautiful day outside. But, the medicine I take, Bactrim, it makes you super sensitive to the sun. One of my favorite things to do in nice weather is run around my neighborhood. My mom said I could do that, as long as I put on a lot of sunscreen, wore a hat and a long sleeved shirt. That didn’t feel worth it to me. I felt limited. A feeling that was becoming more present in my life than ever before.

I had made plans to soul cycle with the Steins, and my friend Julia. I told them all I was hesitant about seeing other people around town. So Julia warned me that our mutual friend Helena, had coincidentally planned on going to the same soul cycle class as us. I told Julia that it’s all good, Helena is awesome. It was nice of Julia to warn me, so I could prepare myself to see people.

We got to soul cycle. It was so different not being in the city. I felt very out of my element. I was so happy when I saw Julia as we were walking in. Helena was there too. Helena handed me a bag and gave me a big hug. I was so relieved that she didn’t pour pity onto me. No delicate “how are you?” and no fragile “how is everything?” Inside the bag Helena handed me was a soul cycle bandana. It was the most amazing gift I could have gotten. I am so self-conscious about my hair while I soul cycle. In the cycling studio, I’m surrounded by powerful, beautiful women with their hair tied up in a band of strength. And there I feel, like an oversized baby with the littlest of hair dripping in sweat. I hope Helena, if you are reading this, know how much that bandana means to me.

The Steins walked in, and the crew was officially ready to ride. And we rode.

And it sucked.

The music didn’t motivate me like the classes in the city, I didn’t feel encouraged or powerful. Lexi Stein and I kept looking at each other just ready for the class to be over. I missed classes with James J. on the West Side. That sentence made me feel so snobby and city, but it is true. I gotta be honest with y’all.

After a quick shower when I got home, I returned to the world of Downton Abbey. And did I finish the first season that night? Maybe. Stop judging me.

I got an email from the Atlantic Acting School, the studio I am in at NYU. It was our spring evaluation. In the middle and at the end of each semester, we get specific notes from all our acting professors giving us feedback on our work. I was confused as to how I could have gotten a spring evaluation as I couldn’t do anything in the second half of the spring semester, but of course I opened it nevertheless.

I was speechless. I had been so worried that Atlantic had pushed me through to second year out of charity or kindness, not because of my talent. The words my teachers wrote to me gave me the validation I needed to know that I am ready to begin second year among my peers. It was something I needed that I didn’t even realize I needed.

In the mean time, since I couldn’t go outside, David was keeping me positive. We were texting nonstop and he came up with this idea: If I find there’s something I can’t do that I want to, write it down and we’ll make sure to do it next year.

So I have been doing that. And it really is helpful.

Our evening plans consisted of a wonderful dinner with the Steins. We decided to go to a restaurant far outside Roslyn, because of my whole not-wanting-to-run-into-anyone thing.

As I sat in the car, I became suddenly sad about the summer ahead. This summer is going to be a tough one. I know I’ll be a stronger person because of it, and it is better to have cancer in the summer than during the school year, but I really just rather not have it all. I have more time to think about it now which is bad. I’m trying to keep busy with friends and exercise but sometimes I don’t want company but I also simultaneously don’t want to be alone.

Dinner was a great distraction. The Steins never fail to make me smile. There’s Lee, the father, Michelle, the mother, Lexi, the daughter who is my age, and Nikki, the daughter who is Josh’s age. Josh and Nikki were still at school so did not join us, so I definitely missed them. But I had a blast. My dad and Michelle crack inappropriate jokes all the time. I feel my face blush but my heart gets warm from the laughter. I am constantly yearning for genuine laughter.

After dinner, I had some friends stop by. My friend Jordan, two of the five fucks Jessica and Julia, one of my best friends Alana and of course Lexi!!!! (and all of the Steins.)

Then I went off to bed, and even though Scott had joined us earlier in the day, I made my mom sleep with me. I am scared of being alone.

I began my next morning on Saturday May 21st, with…Downton Abbey! Casey, you’re so unpredictable! Ugh, thank you, thank you. I know. I began at 9:00 am and stayed in my paradise of Downton Abbey until 2:00, when I passed out. But after that quick hour nap, I resumed my TV.

Then we had dinner with the Sweets, minus the son, Mitchell, at one of my favorite restaurants. It was lovely. Good conversation, good company.

In the car ride home, I lost it.

I don’t know where it came from, where I found it, but I lost it.

Seeing Roslyn was too much. So much had changed within and nothing was the same anymore. And here Roslyn stood, as though no time had passed. As though nothing had changed. It made me angry. I don’t want to suffer like this. I want my hair back. I want to feel beautiful. I don’t want to spend months and months growing back hair I shouldn’t have lost. And then I got mad at myself. How dare I complain when there are so many people with worse cancers than me? I started crying out loud. And my parents don’t know what to say besides from that it is all temporary. And that’s not enough of a response for me. Sadness overwhelmed me. And as I often do, I felt lonely.

Julia and Elana (two of the five fucks) came over to hang out post dinner. I composed myself and but on the happiest smile I could pull from my commonly used file of faux-grins.

I fell asleep after an episode or two of Downton Abbey. I was ready to leave Roslyn.

This portion of this blog post is called: ~Premieres~

Sunday, May 22nd.

I woke up from a weird dream. All of the dreams I have are weird since I have started treatment. That’s a lot of weird dreams if you do the math. This one starred me running into the most irrelevant people at a huge party.

We left Roslyn and got back to the city around noon. I was exhausted. I watched Downton Abbey. I texted David, particularly happy when he laughed at my jokes. Eventually had to put the phone down though, because Judy was feeling neglected in our Downton Abbey time. I fell asleep after dinner.

Monday, May 23rd’s morning was spent at the hospital. It was a good visit. I had blood work done, via finger prick, and I did not flinch. The nurse gave me an orange band aid which was cruel and unusual punishment. (I hate orange. I am not a drama queen.) Then, I met with the team. We did the usual check up, they asked me about my symptoms…blah blah blah. I love the nurses and doctors here, though. I really do. I’m very lucky. I have to remind myself how lucky I am sometimes.

After that, I met with radiation oncologist who explained to me what radiation would be like, and estimated when we’d begin, and the side effects and short term and long term risks. I would be doing radiation beginning, probably, July 18th continuing on for three weeks, only Monday-Fridays. From what I understand, it’s being under a machine for like half an hour, wearing a mask to protect the parts that aren’t in need of radiation, while the machine’s snout focuses on the masses in my chest and neck. It’s all very happy stuff.

Honestly, was pretty hyped to be at that appointment. One, because she informed me the radiation site is CLOSE TO A SIX FLAGS. And I LOVE ROLLER COASTERS. But also, it means the end is near. And I desperately want this to be over. I feel like I sound like a broken record, but it is the truth.

I came back to the apartment and did what? You guessed it! Watched Downton Abbey.

Then, I decided to take a nap. I woke up sweating. I had a terrible dream. I was laying in a bed, with doctors surrounding me. I couldn’t see anything but doctors. They were discussing something, something I couldn’t comprehend. I was drowning in surgical jargon. Eventually I understood that they were discovering cancer in all these new places within my body. They showed me a screen, so I could follow the growths.

I’m usually more upset about the things that cancer does to me right now than the actual cancer itself. It made me think maybe my subconscious is more worried than I am.

This Monday was a special one. It was the BACHELORETTE PREMIERE.

After a DOPE 6:30pm soul cycle ride with James J, Judy and I ran back home and sprinted into the showers. It was Bachelorette time. Well first it was make-Judy-happy-and-watch-Dancing-with-the-Stars time, but THEN it was the Bachelorette time. I’ve made some guesses on who is going to last and who isn’t. I’ll save those for later in the game. But I can tell you one thing for sure, I hate that Chad guy. and Daniel. They’re bad news, JoJo. They’re bad news.

And with the satisfaction of knowing what is best for my dear friend JoJo, the bachelorette, I was off to sleep.

This portion is called: ~Big Days~

Tuesday, May 24th.

That day was a big day.

It began with a morning soul cycle with mother dearest and our fave instructor James J.

Then, back home to shower. Julia was coming in to visit me. We also had an appointment at the wig place that day. So we mixed the two together and Julia joined us. I was kind of excited  to find a wig because that night, because Judy and I had been invited to a movie premiere for the movie “Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping,” with Andy Samberg. I wasn’t big on the wig idea at all, it felt fake and false and constraining. But I wanted to feel beautiful or at least normal, and I knew part of that meant having hair, whether it be real or fake.  Otherwise I would be focusing on myself during the entire premiere experience, which would be a real waste.

I went to the wig store. Julia met my mom and I there. It wasn’t as emotional as my last visit to the wig store. In fact, is was more fun. I tried on brunette wigs, blonde wigs, red wigs. I felt ridiculous and a little embarrassed, but having Julia and my mom there to cheer me on really helped. The man assisting us in our wig shopping was also a god send. He was patient and understanding, realizing that this was more than a wig-for-halloween kind of search.

I decided on a blonde wig, because WHY THE HELL NOT. The world knows I have cancer, so somehow trying to pull off a brunette wig made me feel even phonier. Blonde was the new me. I feel so weird in it and not like myself, which is pretty much how I feel everyday.

But when we went to lunch, I felt confident. I didn’t feel like people were staring at me, trying to decide what gender I was or why I had no hair. I felt girly. A bit more like myself.

Then the three of us got our nails done. At the nail salon, I have to use all new things: new nail files, new polish, etc. And I can’t cut anything. This is to reduce possible infection. So I felt a bit like a burden as my mom reminded the woman doing my nails that everything had to be new. But after my nails were painted in a pretty pink, I felt a bit more like myself.

Julia left, and mother and I got ready for the big night. I threw on an all black ensemble, my favorite, some makeup and a bold red lip. I didn’t feel pretty, per say, but I felt a bit more like myself.

I FaceTimed with David until I had to go. He took the blonde look well from what I could tell at least. He gave me the extra bit of happiness I needed in order to go out in public with confidence.

My mom and I walked to the premiere (it was amazingly close to our apartment) and got our tickets for the premiere and the after party (cue eyebrow wiggle) inside. My mom and I sat down smack dab in the middle of the theater, as that is where our tickets led us. They were amazing seats. As we spoke amongst the two of us, we watched actors and people that were probably actors who I couldn’t recognize stroll in. Seth Meyers casually made his way to his seat.  Keegan-Michael Key and Beck Bennett were in the two in front of me. Behind me, ONE ROW BEHIND ME, was the Maya Rudolph. We got these tickets through an old friend of my mom’s who had read my blog, and him and his family were incredibly kind to us the whole evening. The move itself had me hysterically laughing, (especially because I sat next to someone was in it the movie, and he had the most contagious laugh.) The after party was super cool, I found myself imagining a celebratory party for a movie I was in one day. I couldn’t help it. We didn’t stay there long, I was very tired, so we walked back to our apartment, I FaceTimed David to fill him in on the wonderful evening, and went to sleep.

Wednesday, May 25.

Woke up feeling like I had a hangover, despite having no consumption of alcohol these past few months. (Or ever, mom and dad. 😉 ) I guess my body wasn’t used to all the excitement the premiere provided. That afternoon, I saw the show Fully Committed with Jesse Tyler Ferguson. It was a one man show which I am usually not the biggest fan of from the ones I have seen, but I really liked it. He was so talented; there were like 40 different characters with distinct voices and character choices. It was really impressive. I wish I could ask him about his script analysis process. I spent the rest of the night in pajamas. My dad brought the dogs home for a few days, and I was super excited to be with them. I was attacked with love and kisses. I FaceTimed David, and then I went to sleep.

Thursday, May 26th

This was also a big day. A very long day.

This was the hospital’s prom.

I have never seen the hospital so busy.

First things first:  It’s 8:00. I get my blood pricked. Joy. Didn’t flinch though. Got two princess band aids. The nurse pulled out Belle and Cinderella. She called Cinderella by the name Snow White and I didn’t have the heart to correct her.

Then: Have to meet with the team. Have to do it in a timely fashion because my next appointment is soon. During our wait, Suzie, my absolute favorite person to see at the hospital, insisted I try on the amazing gowns that were donated to the hospital. Beautiful gowns. Alice and Olivia kind of gowns. She ushered me into a bathroom with eight dresses in hand. I tried them on to appease her but not for a second did I imagine taking one home. In my head I thought, these are for people with cancer. But then I remembered, I do have cancer. But I don’t feel like I do. I don’t feel like I deserve presents and gifts and free gowns for this. It isn’t meant for me.

There was a face painting station I really wanted to do, but I am 18 years old and the other face painting clients weren’t exactly around that age frame.

Met with the doctors. Filled them in on what they needed to be filled in on.

Next: Go to the ground floor for my physical therapy. My physical therapist, Regine, is the dopest. We discussed parties and boys and what she was wearing to the hospital prom. She asked me if I was going. I said no.

Then: Different wing of the hospital. Time for the pulmonary function test. Last time I had done it, it was at the very beginning, and it was incredibly difficult to do. I was not looking forward to it. A nice guy named Gary led my father and I into the pulmonary function room. It was much easier, and Gary was super pleasant. He called me quiet. My dad kept taking pictures of me so I would flip him off when Gary wasn’t looking.

BREAK: Noon. Time for lunch. We go to some casual pub across from the hospital. Played cards. Rested for what felt like a second.

Next: 1:30 Back to the wing of the hospital I was just in. Had an echocardiogram. It feels gooey and relaxing all at once. It’s basically a sonogram but on your chest. I almost fell asleep. I was exhausted.

Last appointment: Occupational therapy. Back down to the ground floor. Brianne rocks. We did some ab work outs and some yoga exercises. I was wiped the hell out.

Home. Home was refreshing. My two friends Brendan and Sammi visited me. Sammi brought this INSANELY cool homemade How I Met Your Mother Monopoly board. It’s ridiculous. I can’t wait to play it. And of course, Brendan brought his amazing sense of humor. It was such a nice night. We caught up and joked for hours.

Friday, May 27th.

My friends from my acting high school, LIHSA, visited me! It was SO AMAZING. It was wonderful hearing about all their college experiences and just seeing their happy faces. After their visit I was so wiped out, I passed out next to my dogs. I woke up to the smiling faces of my grandparents! They were in from Arizona!!! I was so excited. My grandpa was getting over a fever, so I didn’t hug him, but I gave so much love in my hug to my grandma I hope it was enough for the both of them. We all went out to dinner and it was lovely. It felt like forever since I had seen my grandparents. I was just very happy. I was also exhausted, so after dinner I passed out.

Saturday, May 28th.

I began my morning with laying down with the puppies.

Everything was fine, until it wasn’t.

I let my mind wander on how long it will take for my hair to grow back.

On how long it will take to lose the steroid weight.

On how I am missing an entire summer.

On how I missed half a semester of doing what I love.

On how I make my parents live completely different lives than they would’ve been living if not for this.

And again, I lost it. I kept it inside.

My mom and I went to the show in silence. I couldn’t speak. If I spoke one word, I knew the tears would involuntarily follow. We got to the venue. Still no words. I felt my mom grow annoyed at my silence but I couldn’t speak. I just couldn’t. The show began. No words. Intermission occurred. Nothing. End of the show. Speechless.

I didn’t speak at all until we got home. I began crying. Shaking and crying. I was getting angry at anyone and anything. The worst of it is that there is no one to blame, but sometimes you feel a need to blame. And with a strong mix of guilt and anger, my parents are the closest targets. Julia was already on her way over when I lost it, so I tried to compose myself. The minute she sat down, I began crying again. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. I felt like I was going to vomit. I ran to the bathroom, hysterical, tears dripping down my face. I looked in the mirror. My eyebrows were so thinned out. My eyelashes were missing in spots. I felt like I was being punched in the stomach. I watched myself cry for what felt like hours, or maybe just a minute. My mom came in, trying to get me to come outside of the bathroom. And I wouldn’t. My mom told Julia she better go home. I felt sick to my stomach with guilt, but I didn’t do anything to stop it. I couldn’t stop crying. I hated it. I hated my life. I hated it so goddamn much. And then I hate myself for hating everything when I don’t even have it that bad. Our dinner company was on their way up, so I ran into the bedroom and stayed in there the whole night. My parents made an excuse for me and I listened to them dine and laugh all evening. I hated myself.

Sunday, May 29th.

I met my grandparents around noon. They came to the apartment. We sat and talked, it was really fun. I love my grandparents so much. They aren’t often in New York, and when I was growing up and they lived close by, I didn’t appreciate them the way I do now. We went to a movie called The Nice Guys at the same theater the Popstar premiere was at. It was entertaining, but I definitely could have waited to see it on DVD. I’m not a huge Russell Crowe fan.  Afterwards, we walked and talked for a while. It was really refreshing to be able to talk to my grandparents as an adult. I told them about my friends, about David, my training in school. It was awesome.

Monday, May 30th,

Another movie date with my grandparents. We saw The Lobster. It was definitely an interesting film. I found it intriguing, maybe a bit too long at parts. I loved the acting in it. If anyone else has seen it I would love your thoughts on it. A great day with grandma and grandpa.

Tuesday, May 31st,

Day one of chemo. I got to the hospital around 8:00, got into my chemotherapy room and slid into the bed immediately. I was out like a light. I woke up around 10:30, apparently thirty minutes before I had surprise visitors. I always ask my mom if I should wear a hat, which is basically my way of saying “is my lack of hair going to make these surprise guests uncomfortable?” She told me I’m fine without the hat. It was the five fucks!!! All in one place, visiting me. It was so nice to see them. I felt an unexplainable need to entertain them, and felt at a loss to do so. We chit chatted and it was a familiar feeling. I didn’t want them feeling uncomfortable. I felt like a freak. I was surrounded by four people who know me so well and I couldn’t feel less like myself.

So my mom’s friend’s friend’s son went through the same thing I am going through, and is now in his radiation portion. He was this ‘lil cute thirteen year old boy. He got straight to the point and asked me questions like “how do you still have hair?” or “which side is your port on” “can I see your scar”? It was so amazing. He just got it. We could have conversations about the drugs I’m taking and the side effects and he just completely got it. I felt less self conscious all thanks to this thirteen year old boy. I just laughed as he joked about us being in our own little fraternity.

Then everyone left and it gave me some time to myself, before my next surprise visitor.

Suzie came in, telling me about her blind date she was about to go on. Suzi feels like an older sister to me. I am so grateful I met her in this process. She is so amazing.

My next guest was, ANDY SCHNEEFLOCK!!!! One of my favorite teachers ever in the world. It made me so extremely happy to see him!!! He teaches Moment Lab, one of the classes in my 8:00-6:30 days. It teaches the importance of being present and in the moment an truthful with yourself, your scene partner, and your ensemble as a whole. He could be the most down to earth guy I have ever met. It was awesome talking about everything with him. He also brought me a play, but what he didn’t know (until I practically scream to inform him) IT WAS MY FAVORITE PLAY. Machinal, by Sophie Treadwell. What a play.

After his awesome visit, I fell asleep until it was time to go. 8:00 pm. Long day. Fell right back asleep the minute I got home.

Wednesday, June 1st,

Day two of chemo. This day is a blur for me. Grandma and grandpa visited, but I hardly remember. I slept throughout most of Wednesday.

Thursday, June 2nd,

Had occupational therapy before Chemo. Felt like a zombie. My grandpa visited but I hardly remember that, too. I was a sleep monster. Fell asleep, woke up, chemo was over.

Today. Friday, June 3rd. Went into the hospital this morning for physical therapy with Regine and my shot that boosts my immune system. Came home. Started recapping my life that I haven’t blogged. Now I’m here.

I won’t lie to you guys, this is hard. I want so badly to be okay again. To look like myself. To feel like myself. Thank you for reading as I experience this and for those of your reaching out, strangers and friends alike, it means the world.

I am trying to stay positive. I feel lonely a lot. That’s really hard. I feel tired. Really tired. I feel fake. Sometimes my smiles are real and other times I’ve never felt more foolish.

That’s where I’m at.