Day 9 of the Second Cycle

April 26, 2016

I am currently sitting in bed, and it is 1:36 in the afternoon. I can’t lie down because I get heart burn when I lie down. So I am sitting.

I am also scrolling Facebook and texting my friends.

It’s an exciting life I lead.

So much has happened since I last wrote. It has been an emotional week; those pills really mess with your emotions. It has been really difficult. But I am doing better now.

On Saturday the week really turned around for me. My mom and I went to a makeup store for a private lesson on how to do makeup. Since I’m losing my hair and my self-esteem has never been lower, it was a really good plan. My mom and I had a lot of fun with the guy who taught me. His name is Nicholas and he got accepted into pre-med graduate school but is instead going after his dream of being a painter. Judy asked him to Purell at least five times. Nicholas. What a dude. He told me about how his girlfriend lives on Long Island, and how he went there for passover, and how telling a pair of adults who raised your significant other that you’re pursuing painting isn’t the easiest task. Hey man, I’m pursuing an art career, too. I get you, I get you. I felt really beautiful after I learned about all the makeup.

Saturday night I had six friends come over for a mini Passover seder. Also, my brother was home. He was really kind and I could tell he didn’t want to upset me. My parents must’ve warned him about the evil steroids my chemo has me on during the first week.

Having my friends over significantly changed my mood. They kept me distracted and happy. We began the evening playing a game called “Smart Ass.” If y’all have never played it, I for sure recommend it. You need to know a lot about everything (I’m really bad at the game) but it is a wonderful time. It’s trivia based and so my brother pretty much wins every time. I don’t mind, though. I am happy people will play it with me at all.

Playing board games with a lot of people is especially fun. Everyone needs to be committed to the game in order for it to work well, and that is exactly what happened. Really, people taking a game seriously means the world to me. I love when people take “silly” things and make it mean something. It’s more fun that way.

Then we made our way to the table. We did a quick seder, had food, and ended the night with a hilarious game of Cards Against Humanity, which is basically Apples to Apples but rated R instead of PG.  If you don’t know what Apples to Apples is, shame on you. Shame, shame.

The days have blurred and I don’t really remember much of the more minuscule details of the week. I spent a lot of time with David, who has become very comfortable in our home. My mom and him have a secret handshake. I would tell you how weird it is, but it is secret after all. But I wish y’all could see me rolling my eyes through the screen.

It makes me anxious to think about all my friends leaving for summer. I am afraid I’ll be lonely in the city since all my high school friends are in Long Island. It can be a hassle to schlep (am I my mother?) to the city.

My computer is dying so I think I will go charge it. My day isn’t super exciting anyway. I’m not sure I have much to write.

Day 10 of Treatment

April 27, 2016

The rest of my day was not super exciting, as I predicted. I had incredibly terrible heart burn and spent the evening trying to find a way to make it stop. Sleep is the only real medicine to not having heart burn.

I keep having the weirdest dreams. I’m not sure if it is the medicine (the many, many, medicines) I take that causes them, but they are always so vivid. I remember most of them. I’d share them, but they’re so weird I can’t bring myself to do that.

I have numbness and tingling in my fingers. The doctors told me this could be a side effect. As I type, my skin feels funny against the keyboard.

Post waking up, I had to take this pink liquid medicine on an empty stomach. It is supposed to prevent heart burn. It also happens to be the most disgusting concoction to ever enter my system. It looks beautiful; it’s a medicine cup of bubblegum pink. It tastes terrible. Don’t let it fool you. I almost threw up afterwards, so I think we are looking for a pill alternative.

I have never been so bored. I have so much I can do: read, write, play games, watch movies…but I can’t bring myself to do any of it. I have to make myself do something but I don’t want to. These are the moments I do not believe I am strong. I am just along for the ride.

So there are auditions for a school show this week even though it opens in the fall. I think I am going to audition despite it being musical theatre (I prefer being in straight plays since I’m more confident in my acting abilities than my singing) and just for some audition experience. I am currently picking out musical theater contemporary uptempo songs I think will fit my voice. My knowledge of this music is severely low. But it is fun to be singing.

I am going to go do puzzles with Judy now.

Day 11 of the Second Cycle

April 28th, 2016

Yesterday ended up being a lot of sleeping and crying. Nothing much to blog about.

Today I went to the hospital to get my blood taken. It was not very productive. I cried a bit. What’s new.

Now I am waiting for my high school English teacher, also my all-time favorite teacher, to arrive. Her, my mom and I are all going out to lunch and hopefully playing board games. She is the best.

I’ve been really down on myself lately and I’m trying not to be. A side effect of a bunch of the drugs I take is weight gain and an increase in appetite. I’ve talked briefly about body image before, but it has never taken over my life the way it does now. I feel like my life is eat, feel terribly, sleep, eat, feel terribly, cry, eat, sleep, etc. I am going to a Zumba class tomorrow. It will hopefully improve my mood.

Wow. What a turn of events.

My teacher, Mrs. Grgas who (whom?) I now call Jay because we are on that level, visiting was so so so fun. She met my mother and I at the restaurant, where we talked about a variety of fun topics. Then we went back to the apartment, did a bit of a puzzle that Judy and I began and played Rummikub. (An amazing game. If you don’t know it, now you do.)

I think having company over is key to my happiness. I feel almost forced to be happier when around people, but in a good way. I don’t know how to explain it. Sometimes you really do need to fake it until you make it. And although I was exhausted when I first arrived at the restaurant, I was having an amazing time before I knew it.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this, but my fingers are numb. (A side effect to one of the many drugs I take.) Typing feels really weird on my fingers.

I am so tired.

I am overtired.

I am watching New Girl and laughing out loud at the jokes. I hope some of y’all watch this show. Too good.

David wants to wear his Flash costume (the superhero. He made this costume from scratch and by himself. He’s the coolest) to the hospital and make kids smile. (I am treated at a pediatrics hospital, to reiterate. Not sure 60 year olds would have the same reaction to a teenager dressed as a superhero.) I am constantly shocked at how awesome of a person he is. All my friends, really.

My four best friends from high school, (we call ourselves the five fucks. It’s a little weird and cult-like, but I would be lying if I said the five of us aren’t weird and cult-like) made me a video. (https://youtu.be/djYsnLTfW8I) It made me hysterically laugh but made my parents cry. I can’t help but think I am the luckiest cancer patient in the world to have friends like these.

For real. It sounds cheesy but I am so lucky. #blessed, but actually. I get packages and letters everyday from people just wanting to send a bit of their love through mail. I can’t thank my support system enough.

That sounded a bit like I was thanking the academy. Which hopefully one day I’ll do. Good practice, Case. Good practice.

I think I’m gonna watch some New Girl and then head to sleep. I have Zumba mañana at 9:15 am. I am so excited. I will definitely blog about it. That sounds so lame. But I will.

Oh!!! Before I leave you, there is something you should know about me. I love portmanteaus. What is a portmanteau, you ask? According to www.merriam-webster.com, it is either a) a large suitcase or b) a word or morpheme whose form and meaning are derived from a blending of two or more distinct forms (as smog from smoke and fog). Although I enjoy a massive suitcase, (Suitcase is also a nickname I have from my younger years. suit. case. [case]y. Hilarious, I know.) I mean the latter definition. I love portmanteaus. Reclax, recline and relax. Witanter, witty banter. I love them so much. My mind creates them as soon as possible. David says he hates it but he secretly loves it and makes them all the time. I just thought I should share that with you.

Also, any tips to cure boredom would be lovely. I am often bored.

Okay. Now really leaving. Goodnight to all. (It’s 7:10 in the evening.)